Anger Management
by day dreaming dreamer
Summary: "My name is Levi Ackerman and I will be your therapist for the next six months." Eren Jaeger comes home after yet another fight with bloodied knuckles and a suspension slip. The only thing to do? Send him to anger management. His therapist? Levi Ackerman. A bunch of one-shots consisting around Eren and Levi annoying each other, both coming to terms with their own anger. AU.
1. Anything but a Banana

**Anger Management:  
****Chapter One:  
"Anything but a banana" **

* * *

"Mom, _please_ don't make me go."

"You think you're tough shit, don't you?" she hissed, her green eyes snapping into focus.

Eren huffed, crossing his arms and leaning against the seat. They were _too _alike, that was the problem. Not only did they have all the same features- eye color, nose curl, hardened scowl, hair color- they had the same anger. "And you call me verbally abusive."

"Well, you're not," she eventually continued, flailing around her seat like he hadn't made an effort to speak. "This is suspension, Eren. Another fight and they're threatening to expel you. Expulsion, Eren! How could you be so irresponsible? No, wait, don't answer that!" And then she was running amuck on yet another incomprehensible lecture. Mikasa was in the back seat, listening to the conversation impassively, but Eren could tell she amused. Hell, she was the one that approved of this.

"I don't want to go," Eren finally spat, fed up with his mother's words. "Anger management? Everyone will think I'm a freak." He shot a glare towards Mikasa's seat. _Way to go, big mouth. _While his parents threatened to ground him for life, Mikasa had been the one to recommend therapy. The thought made his mouth taste funny. Shrinks were for crazy people. Okay, that wasn't 100% true, but that was the stigma around it, and no one followed stigmas better than high school. If Jean ever found out about this, or if Mikasa spilled the beans...he'd be a laughing stock. Everyone knew that he was a short-tempered boy, but therapy would make it seem like he was some kind of murderer.

"Suspension," she repeated, like that was the answer to all his fruitless pleas. "One more fight and then you'll be expelled! This is not a negotiation. You're going." Her annoyance dissipated slightly, and she looked at Eren with a slight concerned smile. "Who knows? Maybe you'll _like_ therapy. Isn't that right, Mikasa?"

Mikasa sent Eren a gloating smirk and nodded.

"Likely," he grumbled sarcastically. His parents thought Mikasa was a god-send. In actuality, she was a satan reincarnate.

"You never know," his mother rambled on. "I've talked to Levi on the phone. He seems very qualified."

"I don't want to go!" he snapped, glowering at her. "It'll be stupid!"

"Oh, look." His mother beamed at him smugly as she pulled the car into the driveway. "How the time flies; we're already here."

* * *

"Take a seat, Mr. Jaeger."

Eren Jaeger drummed his finger on his knee impatiently. There was a million other things he'd rather be doing at the moment, and taking anger management therapy was not one of them. Of course, he understand why he was sitting in this overly comfortable chair, reason being his mother had simply run out of second chances. Eren had come home from a Tuesday afternoon with a split lip, bruised knuckles, and a suspension slip in his one hand. His mother had gone _ballistic_ when he grumpily handed it to her, and promptly sighed him up for therapy with Mikasa's advice, however reluctant Eren was.

To put it bluntly, he basically hated everything about this. Whether it be the color or the room, the height of the chair, (maybe even the height of his freak therapist) he hated it. Eren could be doing productive things right about now, like playing GTA5 with Armin and Connie. Okay, perhaps not _productive_, but more entertaining. As it so happened, he was drowning in boredom. Who could sit through an hour of therapy willingly? The idea was crazy to Eren, not to mention unbelievable. What was crazier was how neat and tidy the room was. Everything was in order, like it was done by some OCD clean-freak. Eren eyed his therapist suspiciously, but he was too preoccupied going through his mother's note to take notice. _What a weirdo. _The counters had been wiped until they shined, the stacks of papers were sorted into perfect piles, and everything in the room was orderly. It made Eren's bedroom a disgrace.

The therapist finally cleared his throat. "I see you've gotten suspended from school..._again_."

Eren scowled upon that familiar sentence, the ache in his hand suddenly enhancing. "Yeah, but it wasn't _my_ fault." It really wasn't. Just because he threw a punch didn't mean he threw the first one, yet here he was. Jean (horse) had gotten off scot free, like always, parting Eren with a gloating grin and an unsaid threat for later. Perks of being the principal's son, he supposed. Still a jerk. Still a two-faced horse.

He arched an unconvinced eyebrow. "It takes two fools to fight." Then he reached over calmly, picking up his tea and taking a hearty sip out of it. He didn't slurp it, but Eren could tell that he was doing it with deliberate slowness. When he finally finished drinking it, he looked at Eren unimpressed. "Eren, right?"

Eren nodded, trying to hide his annoyance. "Yes."

He leaned forward in his chair. "My name is Levi. I will be your therapist for the next six months."

_Six months? SIX MONTHS? _Eren's green eyes widened in partial shock. "Six? Look, really, I don't think I need that much time. I thought that this would be our only session."

Levi rolled his eyes, scoffing at his client's string of rambled sentences. "Stoners these days."

Eren stuttered, mouth dropping in eye. "W-what?"

"I'll be the judge of when you leave," Levi finally said, the disdain clear in his voice. Like he hadn't just called him a stoner, and like he wasn't glaring the shit out of Eren right now. _He's crazy. Definitely crazy._ "Now, why don't you tell me why you think you're here."

There was a short pause as Eren shifted uncomfortably, picking at the small scabs that had formed along the top of his fingertips. His voice was dry and clashingly irritated when he spoke, glowering at Levi accusingly. "You already know why. I get into too many fights at school."

"Hm. Tch."

His eyebrows narrowed at Levi's flippant dismissal. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He was starting to like this guy less and less.

Levi sighed, like explaining things to Eren was too much effort wasted. That only multiplied Eren's frustration, and he glared at the short man further. "It's supposed to mean," Levi said in a drawled (more like bored) tone, "That one does not start random fights unless they're a complete imbecile."

"It wasn't random," Eren snapped, patience wavering thin. _Honestly, though, who does this guy think he is?_ "I was provoked."

"Tch."

"I was!" Eren defended, voice raising and becoming hoarser.

"You sound rather defensive," Levi concluded. "Wonder what that it is."

Eren rolled his eyes (very teenager of him) and crossed his arms. "Aren't shrinks supposed to be nice?"

"Tch. Nice. The word is therapist, Jaeger, and nice doesn't go along with job requirements. The only thing you need to have to be a therapist is a qualification." He gestured to the multiple awards, certificates, and Masters degree hanging perfectly in order on the wall.

"I hate you."

"That's a big word, Eren, especially for someone as small-minded as you."

"If we're on the subject of 'small'..." he muttered.

Levi's eyes narrowed and he abruptly went from unamused to _terrifying. _So far Eren had only been slightly intimidated by the man, but that was only by his connections by his mother. Eren gulped, shrink/ing back into his chair. There was an awkward silence for a few moments as Levi moved his glare from Eren and down to the stack of organized papers on his desk. "Tell me about the fight."

It wasn't a question.

Eren growled at the thought of that horse-faced jerk-off. "Jean Kirstein. Such an asshole."

"Calm yourself." Levi took another drink of his tea, the cup rattling slightly when he set it back down. When Eren huffed heavily, and leaned back into his chair, his stiffened shoulders relaxing, only then did Levi continue. "Tell me more about this Jean."

"Oh, he's a fucking dick." Eren was sure that swearing to his therapist wasn't the best first impression, but at this point, he really didn't care. "A complete horse."

"Horse?"

Eren suddenly snickered. "Yep. I came up with it. Guy has a horse face, and I'm certain Marco wants to ride him all night long." No amusement was shown on Levi's account. Huh. Eren thought that would at least crack him up. Everyone at school thought that joke was the shit, with the exception of Marco and Jean. Eren coughed awkwardly. "Uh, anyway, he's a jerk. We're always getting into fights, though. It's not really anything new."

Levi pondered for a moment, expression impassive. "I think I see the issue."

Eren blinked in puzzlement, stopping his tangent in its tracks. "Uh, you do?"

Levi shrugged, a ghost of a smirk forming on his lips. "There's always a reason behind anger. It mostly has to do with repression or suppression. In your case, I think you've been suppressing certain..._feelings_."

Eren didn't like the way Levi had said that. "Such as...?"

Levi held up a finger, causing Eren's scowl to deepen. He then took another long drink of tea, and Eren had to refrain from reaching across the small table between them and strangling him. When he finally was finished, he smacked his lips obnoxiously, adding on what was becoming his signature 'tch.' "How do you feel about Jean?" he asked.

"I hate him. He's a horse."

Levi huffed once again, like the answer was obvious. Eren was starting to think that Levi thought he was a moron, but was too polite to say it out loud. Wait...no, not polite. This guy was a complete ass...with class. "Do you really hate him, Eren?" Levi questioned. "Or do you hate the feelings he evokes in you?"

Eren's face was blank. _He better not be implying...things._ "I literally have no idea what you're saying right now."

He was deadpan the next time Levi spoke. "Eren, how do you feel about penis?"

Nope, noppidy, nope, NOPE, this was not happening right now-

"Should I repeat the question?" Anything but that.

"I'MNOTGAY!" Eren blurted out, cheeks flaring in a mixture of anger and embarrassment. "The fuck? Especially not for a horse! Gah! The images! I'VE BEEN TRAUMATIZED!"

"No need to be so overdramatic," Levi stated monotonously, like he had been casually mentioning something as dismissive as the weather. "Your mother suspected it as well."

"_WHAT_?"

"Indeed. I even prepared a slideshow anticipating your visit." He swung his laptop around, causing the skin in Eren's skin to blanch now completely.

"No, no, really that's okay-"

Levi smiled. And when he smiled, he looked _insane_. "I insist."

Then he pressed play.

* * *

Nearing the end of the hour, Levi realized that he had _accidentally_ mixed up the files and the slideshow was intended for another client, not Eren. Oh, yep. A total 'honest' mistake. Bullshit. He had heard Levi's assistant Hanji laughing hysterically as Eren practically ran out the door.

He opened the door to his house.

"Hey, Eren." Mikasa, his adopted sister, looked up questioningly from where she was sitting. "Dinner's almost ready. How was your first therapy session?"

His eyes bugged. "I don't wanna talk about it."

Mikasa stared at him curiously. Eventually, she shrugged, much to his relief. "Whatever. Mom made banana muffins if you want any-"

"ANYTHING BUT A BANANA!"

* * *

**A/N: It's okay. I have no idea what just happened either. So, this was probably the most random thing you have ever read. This is my first attempt at a humor-fanfiction. Hopefully...I succeeded? Basically it will be a collection of short one-shots about Eren's anger management therapy sessions with Levi. **

**Leave a review! Input makes me happy! **


	2. It's called karma, Levi

**Anger Management:  
Chapter Two:  
"It's called _karma_, Levi"**

* * *

Eren glowered at the fruit basket in front of him, green eyes menacing and annoyed. As if his last session wasn't humiliating and degrading enough, Levi just had to rub it in his face some more. _What a jerk. _The teenager crossed his arms, refraining from childishly sticking out his tongue. He didn't want to give the man the satisfaction, and although Eren was a loose cannon at times, his pride simply refused to give in. Levi was silent (as he was for most of their time together, which didn't make sense considering he was supposed to be his therapist) and stoic, watching Eren's reaction carefully. Eventually, the boy broke underneath his gaze. "What the hell is this?" he snarled, gesturing to the giant fruit basket in front of him, filled to the brim with oranges, apples, and _bananas. _

Levi stared at him blankly. "I don't know what you mean."

Eren seethed at his response, chest quaking. "You're doing this to make fun of me!" When Levi continued his puzzled expression further, he shook his hands at the fruit bowl. "The _FRUIT_, Levi! What is it doing here?"

"Pardon me for considering the nutrition of my clients. Please, help yourself." Then he went back to his notepad, scribbling something down that was unattainable and unreadable to Eren's turquoise orbs. With another huff, he slumped back down in his chair, missing the outline of a smirk on his therapist's face. Eren glanced to his backpack to the left of him. It wouldn't hurt to do his homework, but he never did it this early in the day. The boy usually saved it for later, (and by later, he meant fumbling and scrambling to finish it by the end of homeroom the next morning) much to his mother's and teacher's disdain. He stole another glance at Levi, who was still intently writing things down. What. A. Jerk. He was paid to pay attention to him, god dammit!

Eren sighed again, making it as deliberately slow as possible. A flicker of irritation flashed across Levi's face, but he made no moves to speak or acknowledge. Grumbling incoherent curses underneath his breath, Eren unzipped his bag, reaching in and pulling out his math sheet. He was just about to bring his pencil down to the paper when Levi's hand caught in the peripheral vision. Levi grabbed a banana from the neatly displayed fruit bowl, 'accidentally' smacking the tip of it on Eren's face as he brought it back to him. "Hey!" Eren protested, rubbing the new red mark on his cheek. "That's abuse! I could have you arrested for that!"

Levi rolled his eyes. "Tch."

"Whatever." Eren scoffed, snapping his pencil in the process. Well, there goes his attempts at being productive. "You have a problem, mister, you know that?"

Levi's eyebrow arched with disbelief and twisted amusement. "I have a problem? I'm not the one going around beating people to pulps." Eren opened his mouth to reject that notion, but slammed it shut at the murderous glint in Levi's eyes. He had to stop running his mouth so this clearly unstable man wouldn't kill him right here and now. Eren shuddered at the thought. _He would probably get away with it too..._

Levi took his time with peeling the yellow fruit, but stopped once he caught Eren's glare. "Can I be of assistance, Jaeger?"

"You're a jerk, sir."

"And you're a shitty brat, but you don't see me complaining."

Eren bit down on his tongue to keep from yelling. "Piece of shit," he muttered.

"What was that?" Levi's voice was cold. _Jeez! This guy is the impediment of the devil._ "That sounded like attitude to me."

"Nothing, it's just that you seem to be enjoying that banana a little too much." Fine. He could play too. And the best way to win was to fight fire with fire.

"Maybe I just like bananas more than you."

"Oh, I have no doubt about that."

Levi shot him a glare that Eren immediately shrank under it. What? His glares were terrifying! When the daggers in his eyes eventually lessened and softened and Eren found he could breathe again, he took a large bite of the banana. "Here," Levi said once he swallowed. "Have some. A peace offering."

Eren's eyes widened in surprise at the outstretched yellow glop in his hand. _He probably poisoned it! There's no way he would actually be_ nice _to me. _"No, thanks," he finally settled with, and Levi's smirk deepened.

"But it's good." Why was this guy being so persistent?

"No, really, I'm fine."

"It's good for you."

"Levi!" Eren snapped, green eyes glinting murderously as the banana waved back and forth across his face. "I don't want the goddamn banana."

"But it's healthy for you, and regarding the candy wrappers in your back pack, I think you need a change in dietaries."

Eren blinked at the man's words, first with dread, and slowly the shock was replaced with anger. "You _looked through my bag?!" _

Levi nodded, face impassive and expressionless. "That's correct. You really need to properly clean that _thing_ out." He eyed the crumpled homework papers that were stuffed into the bag carelessly, half smashed against the force from the metallic zipper. "And I wonder, would your mother approve of the porn magazines?"

"YOU BASTARD!" Regardless of his biting rage, his cheeks flared a mortified pink. "YOU CAN'T JUST LOOK THROUGH MY BAG!"

"Proper protocol."

"Says who?"

Levi rolled his eyes. "Me, of course." He jammed the banana into his face. "Now just take the damn banana."

"I don't want a SHITTY BANANA!" Eren screeched, slapping Levi's hand away. The piece went sailing through the room, landing directly on Levi's Master's degree. There was an intensifying and terrifying silence as Levi stared at the mess Eren had made. His grey eyes whirled on him, and Eren gulped, but managed to remain unabashed and grinned in satisfaction. "That's what you get for going through my bag. It's called _karma_, Levi. Look it up."

Then Eren grabbed an apple from the bowl.

* * *

The door opened and slammed.

Mikasa jolted from the loud bang, angrily staring up at Eren for intruding so rudely. She set down her book, opening her mouth for a snarky response, but found her mouth hanging open from awe. Her annoyance deterred to shock, however, when she spotted his appearance. She often saw herself as impassive, not easily startled by life's common simplicities, but she never would've expected _this_ to come walking through their front door. His brunette hair was a mop of yellow, junks of the fruit smashed over his head and cheeks. He smelled like...

"Why are you covered in bananas?" The teenage girl huffed at the inconvenience, eyes narrowing into suspicious slits. "Eren, what did you do_ this_ time?"

He snapped from his frightened stupor, clenching his hand into a shaking fist. "I'm going to go take a fucking shower."

She blinked, still stupefied by his words and appearance. You know what? She didn't even want to know. That could be Armin's job tomorrow. "...Okay then. I'll call you when dinner is ready."

He trudged up the stairs, scowling and bitter. As soon as he left the room, Mikasa smiled slyly. Since she was unhealthily obsessed with Eren, it only made sense that she checked his bag every. Single. Day. Oh, and his bedroom. Sometimes she'd even save tissues that he used to smell later. She rummaged through his textbooks and homework eagerly, occasionally pocketing useful souvenirs.

Like the pencil he chewed. She let out a love struck sigh. _Mmmm..._

Her fangirling ceased as her hand pulled out an unfamiliar magazine. Which was odd, because she had memorized every one of Eren's personal belongings.

"Eren?" she called, straining her voice as the water turned on upstairs. "Why do you have _gay porn_?"

There was a brief silence.

Then,

"GOD DAMMIT, LEVI!"

* * *

**A/N: This is really fun to write, and I hope you are all enjoying this story as much as I am. It's also getting me out of my comfort zone since I usually stick to angsty works. The chapters are meant to be short, but I'm sure they will gradually get longer (and more detailed) as I get into the rhythm of this parody and the characters. **

**Thank you all for your reviews, follows, and favorites! Please feel free to drop in a review and let me know what you thought. **

**I will also take suggestions/prompts for what you would all like to see in future chapters. **


	3. Does this rag smell like chloroform?

**Anger Management:  
****Chapter Three:  
****"Does this rag smell like chloroform?" **

* * *

Armin pulled the book tight against his chest, wincing at the waves of anger seemingly radiating off his brunette friend. Speaking to him could sometimes be like walking on land mines. One wrong step, and _ka-boom_. It came to Armin as a relief when he heard the news that Eren was doing therapy. It had certainly improved Armin's...er, _odd_ habits, so maybe it could do the same for Eren. After all, keeping Eren out of trouble was becoming quite troublesome. It was a tiring act, always being the one to diffuse situations. If Eren got into one more fight, he would be expelled. Armin shuddered at the thought. Eren and Mikasa were his only friends. Without Eren around, the bullies would _destroy_ him. Armin always talked big, but without his best friend...he didn't even want to think about it.

"So, how's therapy going?" He really shouldn't be asking. The blonde didn't particularly want to get involved with Eren's private moments with his therapist, but Mikasa had pressured him into it. Mikasa had no boundaries when it came to her adoptive brother, which included stalking him, and licking his earlobe when the mood struck her. She had even claimed the red scarf she wore around her neck represented 'the blood of Eren's enemies.' Armin sighed. She knew he simply couldn't say no. He wondered why she hadn't been able to weed it out of him. She had always been great at getting Eren to talk about things he didn't want to talk about, although her methods were questionable. Armin frowned at his terse reaction. His best friend had never been so agitated, even when Jean stepped into the room.

Eren scowled at the reminder, brushing past his peers in the crowded hallway. "Completely awful."

"Oh." _How was he supposed to respond to that? _"I'm sorry."

Eren shot him a look as they both entered the classroom, his annoyance never once lessening. "You're lucky. I like your psychiatrist, Susan. My therapist is a complete psycho."

"What's his name?"

He made a look of pure disgust. "Levi, but he likes to assert his dominance by making everyone call him 'captain Levi.'"

"O-okay."

"Speaking of which," Eren began, turning to face him with a look of sincerity. "How do you handle it?"

Armin blinked in surprise, but then smiled with gentle fondness. "Well, I started off by writing dark poetry, and then worked myself up to sewing perfect doll replicas of my tormentors. It's a process, but I eventually got there. I now can place each doll in a panoramic circle and stab out their eyes while extinguishing their souls in a ritualized fire ceremony. Susan has helped me move past some of that, but sometimes the urges are too strong."

Eren shrank away from his innocent gaze, falling into a fearful silence for a few moments. "Wow, Armin. That's kinda fucked up."

The blonde shrugged sheepishly, scribbling incoherent words in his notebook. _Had that been an overshare_? "Maybe you just have to get used to Levi."

The brunette scoffed, their last conversation already forgotten. "Unlikely. He's a jerk."

There was a pause as the bell rang. Mr. Hannes walked up to the front of the classroom, hung over and slurring. He dimmed the lights and turned on an animal planet movie, pouring liquor from his silver flask and into his coffee. It would be safe to assume that he wouldn't wake up until fifth period, perhaps longer. Needless to say, he was everyone's favorite teacher. In spite of a vast majority of students failing the math final at the end of the year, he would usually just change their answers. Parents called him a god-send. No one had ever had better grades than in Mr. Hannes classroom.

"Hey, Eren? Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

Eren furrowed his eyebrows, but took a deep whiff of it anyway. "What do you need chloroform for?"

"I'm trying to make my revenge role play fantasies seem more realistic."

Eren looked towards his fucked up best friend in sympathy. He had met Armin Arlert when he had been nine, and it hadn't been in the best of circumstances. He was being beat up by older boys, bloody and bruised, his book ripped to shreds before his eyes. Eren wasn't sure when Armin had slowly began to turn into a sadistic monster, but as long as he knew the blonde, he had been creepy.

Eren crinkled his nose, patting Armin on the shoulder. "Nah, it doesn't really take effect. You should ask Mikasa. She has a bottle in her room."

His blue eyes brightened. "Cool! Thanks, Eren!" He then eagerly bent over and began to draw disturbing images of the people he hated.

Eren let out a huff, leaning back in his chair. After school he had therapy, and he just had to figure out a way to convince Levi that he was 'cured' as quickly as possible.

* * *

**A/N: I can't take credit for Armin's creepiness. The idea and some of his sentences come from a youtube series, "A Slap on Titan." Watch it, it's hilarious. Sorry for the long wait, and a somewhat short update. I'm still getting into the flow of writing again. **

**~Reviews make me happy~**


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